New Romantics

Have you ever spoken too quickly? and maybe even offended someone you respect?

Words are rapid for a person like me. However, I love to read and write and speak so much that sometimes, I declare my thoughts sans consideration for those who may hear them.

This happened to me today. I was rash and stubborn and before I knew it, I had tarnished trust with pride. Basically, I allowed my self-confidence to boil, overspill, and burn the tender flesh of someone I dearly admire.

I do not mean to ask for self-pity; I just want to address my humility. Ever since I was a young girl, the disappointment of others has been my nemesis. I simply cannot tolerate the possibility that I may in fact let down someone, or a group of people, who are trusting in my ability to contribute. Or worse, that I may let down the expectations I set for myself. Being a crazy perfectionist is not my mission, but creating a reputation as a genuine, compassionate person definitely is.

I like to say that I am very self-aware, but in all honesty, I think that even the most confident people are allowed to doubt themselves. Did I speak out today because I was perhaps feeling insecure? Or that I feared my "perfect student" image would somehow be marred by a mistake?

I have only come to terms with these possibilities in retrospect, and with this I want to make an apology.  It's very easy to be romantic this time of year. With all the "crunchiness" and "crispiness" circulating, it's natural to feel like you are as perfect as the shades of shifting leaves, or the taste of pumpkin spice.

But we are humans, not trees, and our nature insists that we do not follow a simple cycle. Making the same changes every fall would be boring, and I for one am thankful for the unpredictability of my life. We can never be as perfect as the fall, for its dependency and reliability is something beyond our species. Perhaps that's why we crave the fall, because it is so constantly lovely. Just the other night at the Tapestry pumpkin decorating party, I was so happy to be with people who are so themselves, not with pride, but with a freely exchanged thankfulness for one another. I am a new romantic, asking to just find myself, somewhere amongst the perfection of this season.